Are Qualities-I-want-in-Spouse Lists too much?

(Nice illustration right? ;) )
Are you in for a treat or what!? Wanna hear some frank opinions that you may strongly agree/disagree with? Read on!

In my Lit course for school we recently studied "The Importance of Being Earnest." For those of you that aren't familiar with this play, it basically makes fun of the Victorian upper-class society by portraying the opposite values than we would normally find acceptable, targeting mostly marriage and love. Possibly one of the most extreme examples of this is when Cecily and Gwendolen not only dream of marrying a man named Ernest, but simply cannot imagine marrying a man by any other name. At this point in the story my teacher compared/contrasted Cecily and Gwendelon's ridiculousness to the "Qualities I want in a husband" lists that many girls make. Being the obsessive list maker that I am, my ears perked up.

After questioning the guys as to whether they make similar "wife lists" (they didn't) several girls from my class piped in about how ridiculous these types of lists are. To them it seemed absolutely barbaric that a woman have set requirements that a prospective spouse must have (beyond LDS and loves me and that stuff). A love-is-all-you-need kind of attitude.

I personally do have a list that I have every intention of following to the letter. So (true to my last post) I decided to speak up by simply stating that one thing on my list that I will not sacrifice is that I want my husband to have(or be getting) an education. I thought that this was a rather practical thing to desire in a companion. Completing a degree of some kind better (notice I said better not 100%) secures jobs for the future, right? When my teacher asked "So Audrey, if a man does not have(or is in the process of getting) an education, you won't marry him?" I stated, "Yes: no education, no deal." Now before anyone gets too riled up, I did explain to the class that yes, I know that there are many successful people in this world that never went to college, and that there are many unsuccessful people with degrees. I know degrees do not guarantee financially secure lives. However, there is more security in having a degree, and I want more security. My dad is a professor for crying out loud- of course I value education! Besides degrees better securing you financially, I plan on getting a degree, so why in the world would I not want my spouse to do the same? Beats me.

Anyways.. much of my class thought that education was optional and that I was crazy. So what? Its not their marriage.

Okay so back to my point. Qualities-I-want-in-a-spouse lists. Are they appropriate? Necessary? Should they be followed? My answer to all: YES!

You don't get what you don't ask for right? And its like going shopping in Walmart. You have to know what you want or you'll walk out with a whole bunch of stuff that is nice, but you don't really want it.

My personal list doesn't ask for anything in a man that I wouldn't expect him (yes expect him) to expect out of me (or its equal). My list isn't a crazy collection of wishlist items, only truly necessary things that I want in my marriage. A goal if you will. For example, I want my husband to be financially wise. Excuse me, but I don't see happiness as credit card debt and expensive toys.

Anyways, that's really only one item on my list, but you get what I'm saying. I don't want to marry just any guy who comes up to me with a ring. Whoever it is, when ever it is, I want be able to think of him and truly believe that we will be happy together. After the newly wed excitement wears off, after the medical bills come in, after all the hardships that come in life come, I want to know that we are rooted in the same values, with the same beliefs, and with the same (but strengthened) love that we've always had. My list won't guarantee any of this. But it will help. Perhaps as I get closer to that time I'll find that one or two items aren't necessary, or that I need to add a few. But my same basic list will always be there.

If you don't set goals and standards for yourself, how are you ever supposed to know what to look for? The big three that most girls have (Provider, love and same religion) are all important, but they just don't cut it for me as the final word. Marriage is hard regardless, so why make it more difficult?

Maybe what upset my class were the girls who declare that they will marry a dark, curly-haired man with broad shoulders and a breath-taking smile much like Cecily and Gwendolen did with the name "Ernest" (I'm not saying that that wouldn't rock though ;)).

For some people maybe NOT having "a list" is all the fun. Well not for this girl.

My point in all of this? I have a list. I'm not Cecily and Gwendolen, but I believe that you need standards and goals that you are willing to stick to. Always. In everything. Not just marriage.

President Hinckley sums it up best by saying:

"Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss that target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. If he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy."

That's all I'm saying. Same core values. Same long-term goals. Man how I love and miss President Hinckley.


If you made it this far, I congratulate you. Stay tuned for the next time I feel a burning opinion inside of me ;)